Dignity: Up Close and Personal

Two months ago I posted a message in which I said that my 95 year old dad told me that he was "ready to die". He may have been ready but it seems that the circumstances just weren't right.

However, things have changed - he's now in a residential home being well looked after but surviving on Ensure, ice cream and sips of beer and dying inch-by-inch. I doubt that he will live much longer.

During my time as a hospice nurse in the 1980s/1990s I often heard the phrase "dying with dignity" but (even though I paid lip service to it) I don't think I ever really understood what it meant. The notion of "dignity" suggests the display of honour and decorum in the face of adversity and yet the reality is that the process of dying can be messy and undignified. I suspect that this is how it will be for my dad when the time comes. But does it really matter ? My dad has told us that he has had "a good life" and maybe that's the thing we need to focus on. It's not really about whether or not we face our death with dignity - it's surely about whether we've lived our lives with as much dignity as we could muster.

Jack Savoretti, a young singer/songwriter, sums this up beautifully in one of his haunting songs with these words:

"It's not where you go when you die
It's how you live when you're alive
Who you touch and how you're feeling. "

"And it's not about the time that you have
It's how you cry and how you laugh
Who you love and how you mean it ?
And do you mean it ?"

Who can say whether our death will be dignified or not ? Perhaps it's better to do what we can to live a life that is as dignified as possible rather than worry about how it comes to an end.